Musing – This what happens when you are wide awake at 3 am


It’s 3 am and I am here lying on my bed staring into space after many failed attempts to fall asleep. Honestly, I think I’ve seriously damaged my sleeping pattern. Sleep doesn’t come when I want it to any more. I would have continued work but PHCN (or what are they called these days) struck almost an hour ago.

So I decided to pick up my phone to write. I don’t know exactly what I want to write about. There are many things I’ve been intending to share on this blog but time. No time for myself these days. No time to breathe. No time for anything. 

Over the last few weeks, I’ve felt a vacuum; like there is somewhere deeper I need to get to. The feeling loomed over me like heavy rain about to rush down. I couldn’t articulate it exactly but I was aware of it’s presence. Then one evening when I wanted to pray but had no words to say or even to speak in tongues, I just decided to worship. As I worshiped that night, I discovered what was wrong. I had become too busy for God. He had been trying to get my attention. He had been speaking to me but I was not listening. Sometimes I would listen but not long enough. He wanted to talk to me but my prayers were abrupt. I didn’t wait to hear Him speak. Other things had been placed above my beloved Lord. How did I let that happen?

I remember God saying to this me that night; “You are seeking from men only what I can give you. That longing in your soul can only be filled by me but you have to be thirsty. It is only the people who are hungry and thirsty that are filled.” I understood immediately. There were times I knew I should have spoken to God but I preferred instead to call a friend and then at the end of talking to that friend, I won’t feel better. I wanted my friends to understand. I wanted them to see beyond my heart and into my soul and give me the answers I was searching for. Of course I was disappointed. 

There are certain depths with God that you will not reach if you are not desperate for Him. There is a Scripture that says open your mouth and I will fill it. For you to open your mouth, you must desire to be filled in the first place. It is so easy to get complacent in our walk with God; to think that the dozen scriptures we know are enough to get us by. The truth is, it is not enough. You must live with the consciousness of the presence of God every day. You must long for Him. You must thirst for Him. I love the way David puts it “As the deer pants for the water brooks so my soul longs after you.”

Thirst after God; not religion or your Pastor. Seek to please Him and not your church. God is the only person who should matter. You should never feel comfortable leaving your house in the morning without talking to Him. Your life should be a life of worship, every minute of every day.

While we go round the motions of church and religion, God is just there waiting for us to realize that He us the most important factor in this equation. Your first thought should always be what would God want me to do in this situation and not what will my pastor do or say. God first. Everyone else comes after.

I’ll stop here and make another attempt at sleeping. I really want to sleep. Just don’t know why sleep isn’t coming. Have a blessed day! 


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