Last week a friend told me that when the devil wants to attack you, he won’t come from an angle that won’t have any effect on you. He will come at you from a point where it would hit you the hardest. A few days later, I heard the same thing from another person but slightly different words were used. The person said when the devil wants to derail you, he will come and distract you with something that will really tempt you – something that will push you to a corner.
I’m in that corner and I literally feel the air closing in on me. For the first time in a long while, I appreciated the value of oxygen because I couldn’t breathe. Still finding it hard to breathe. My heart is pounding. “I should have known better”, “I should have been able to pick it in the spirit”…the weight of this guilt is crushing me.
Thoughts of ‘disappearing’ for a while has crossed my mind. I mean, all I need to do is to pack my bags and leave. Forget about explanations; I just need to go away from here, from this reality that feels like a dream. I can’t face it. Sometimes when I can’t deal with things I run as fast as my legs can take me. The questions is, how long will I keep running? I have no idea.
This is what I know…I really cannot deal with this. How do you deal with something that you did not prepare for; something that sprung at you like a thief in the night? My friends say “Doyin you have to face it. You cannot keep running.” I’m not sure where I will find the strength to do so. They said I should keep my head high but it is barely staying on my head. All I want to do is to crawl into a hole and hide.
Why does this feel familiar? I feel like I’m re-living an old chapter of my life; one that I promised myself will never be the case. Sigh. I don’t know about tomorrow. I don’t know how long I can hold it together before the cracks begin to appear but I will just take things one day at a time. I’ll pray for strength for today. I’ll pray for strength to step out of my house and go about my life like everything is normal. I will ignore this pain I feel in my heart praying that one day I will wake up to realise it’s death.
Life throws you hard balls sometimes; but you must hit back with the full armour of God. I know this but practicing it is where the difficulty lies. Again, I will give it my best shot because this really cannot be the end of this story.