Once upon a time, I sabotaged some good friendships

Friendship, Miss Adedoyin's Blog, Adedoyin Jaiyesimi

I’ve been staring at the blank ‘New Post’ page for some minutes now and I haven’t really found that thing that I want to write about. Writer’s block can be real sometimes! So I’m just going to write as things come to my head. Fingers crossed, in the end I’ll come up with something coherent and with a headline too.

Over the weekend, I had a lot to reflect on. Actually is there any time I don’t have anything to reflect on? Anyway, I was reflecting on how God has somehow made it possible for me to have friends that I can truly call family. Really, I am surprised. I wasn’t a very friendly person when I was growing up. I was always suspicious of people who wanted to get close to me. The few friends I had, I sabotaged the relationship. I always found a way to make sure that the relationship ended before I got ‘hurt’.

I had this best friend in secondary school. We were so close! We did everything together. There wasn’t anything that she did not know about me. One day, I sat down in my room and I examined at our friendship. “What if this girl decides to betray me? She knows too much about me” I thought to myself. I felt exposed. Why did I let her get so close to me in the first place? Even though I didn’t decide there and then to end the friendship, I was always on the lookout for something that would confirm my fears.

So little things became big things. I amplified bad habits in her that I once ignored. I cannot say the exact moment it happened, but a series of events led to the end of the friendship. It was a shock to everyone; even my family members. I felt relieved. I didn’t feel sorry that we were not friends anymore. I just felt free and I loved it. Soon enough, I was in another friendship. Even though we were not as close as I was with my first best friend. We were close. I enjoyed this friendship for a while. I actually believed it would last long because I was in a better place in my life at that time. Or so I thought!

Again, I cannot say what led to it but I started to feel insecure. Those thoughts started to come to me again. I even had a bad dream…a dream that led some people to call me ‘Joseph the Dreamer’. Gotta love being in secondary school. Anyway from the point I had that dream, the friendship went downhill. I did try to mend the broken bridges but it just didn’t work out.

So I moved on. Again, another friend walked into my life. Slowly we became friends and we went off to uni as inseparable buddies. For months it remained that way until…you guessed it! Until those thoughts came flooding through my mind. I remembered the previous severed friendships and I just didn’t want to deal with all that drama again. So I drifted away. Hung out with her less, talked to her on the phone less and so on. She tried to make the friendship work but I just wasn’t interested.

Things remained that way for quite a while. I had no one to share my deep pain with. I felt alone many times even though I was in the company of people. Then I met some ladies. We were not close to the point that they choked me but they had this “I’ll be here if you need me vibe”. We are still friends today. But I wanted more than that. I wanted something deeper. I gave up on that wish after I left uni because I felt maybe I’m just not meant to have close friends.

Then God brings these people into my life from nowhere. Honestly, I am still wondering why God will decide that I’d be the one they would love this way because I have such a terrible friendship record. It’s not something that happened in a day but I opened up to them slowly and slowly. They accepted me, flaws and all. On the days I want to withdraw, they find a way to draw me out. It’s amazing. What’s even better is that they share their lives with me. They are not just my friends. They are my family; my brothers and sisters. They are scattered across various cities but I hold them so dear, right there in my heart.

So here I am; the girl who sabotaged so many friendships. I have been given another opportunity to have not just one but several amazing friends. I can’t believe it. It’s so easy to look at yourself and condemn yourself because of your past actions but God does not see things that way. He sees the great future He has in mind for you. Yes you have made mistakes. Yes, you’ve made some really bad decisions but there is hope in Christ. All things will work together for your good. God will turn everything around for you. Don’t condemn yourself. Even if the world condemns you, God still loves you and He will never stop loving you ok?

If the once mean and guarded Doyin can become a loving and accommodating person, then all things are possible!

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2 Replies to “Once upon a time, I sabotaged some good friendships”

  1. Some friends just stuck.
    It’s making enemies I fear.
    I lose my fear when it’s an enemy of my faith.

    Some friends just stuck to me sha, I’m grateful they did. Thankful to God for friends I can share with.

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