I stumbled on a piece I wrote about three years ago for a magazine that I was managing at the time. The theme for that quarter was ‘Faith’ and the Editor-in-Chief asked me to write an article about living in sin and loving God. Hmm….it was quite the challenge because at the time, I did not like to write anything personal. So I struggled and struggled to write the piece. I tried to make it fictional. It didn’t work. I tried to write it from the eyes of an unbeliever; it didn’t work too.
One day, after my original deadline had passed, the inner witness said to me; “Write about your personal experience living in sin and the experiences people have told you about.” For an hour, I battled with the voice but I yielded to it and I came up with the piece below. It was loved instantly and I think it is because it is real. While the piece is not 100% about me (I wasn’t as bold as I am now to share my story), it’s about the struggles of the every day Christian as experienced by some of my friends. We are not perfect. Some of us are battling with secret sins; lying, fornicating, swearing, envy and so on. The temptations come everyday but through the power of Jesus, we can overcome them.
I wrote the piece as a letter to God and it is titled “A Letter from a Disheartened Daughter”. Enjoy and share it with others too.
Forgive my (ongoing) sins Lord, I love you
I just did it again. Oh I feel so bad. Why do I continue to do this, when I know You will not be pleased. I do try my best Lord; he is just so irresistible. The way he looks at me, the way he holds me…I couldn’t just hold myself.
The worst part? I kept saying to you, or to myself, ‘Dear Lord, please forgive me’. But I enjoyed it and to be honest I know I am going to do it again. Why do I keep doing this?
I remember that sermon that hit me in my gut last month. Pastor Sanya preached about sexual purity and how our body is Your temple. I was touched. I was convicted. As I prayed that day, I believed I was going to change from my ways and Lord, You know I was sincere. It really breaks my heart when I let You down. So how did I renege on my promise again? Ah I know… it was that visit.
I was doing just fine. Until he said he was coming over.
When we spoke a week before, I had called it off; I had told him I was no longer interested in this cursed fornication. My conscience couldn’t take it anymore. He was upset, but he said he respected my wishes. When he said he was coming over, it was to drop off the things I had left in his house. I trusted he wouldn’t make any moves and even if he did, I would be able to control myself.
Then I opened the door, I hugged him, and I was overcome by the scent of his cologne; the scent that makes me weak to my knees. He looked deep into my eyes as I pulled away from him, and I knew danger was approaching. I should have taken my things and hurried him off but I didn’t do that. I held his gaze. He motioned for my lips, and I did not hesitate. That was the end. I was a fornicator again.
Lord, why is this so easy? Sin. I know I am contrary to Your word…A minister of that same word. I am expected to live a life of purity, but … my name is certainly foremost on the sinner’s roll. What’s funny? I’m not the only one of your children with this problem. You know Sister Angela, right? When she ministers, the Heavens falls down with your glory, but when she goes clubbing all hell is let loose.
How do I know this? I met her two weeks ago at Nike’s party. I almost did not even recognise her in tight-fitting cleavage bearing body-con dress and the sexy shoes topped with a perfectly primed face. I could not hold my shock. Her dance moves would make your Son cringe. The next day? She was in church singing with passion, “Lord I offer my life to you”. But really, who am I to judge her?
I ask again, why is it so easy? If I love you as intensely as I know I do, why is it so easy to disobey you? Can someone love you and still sin at the same time?
I do not continue in sin because grace abounds. After all Lord, you have yourself acknowledged our nature of sin. The Bible says we have fallen short of your glory because of it. No matter how much we try, we will still sin, like Adam – and Eve – before us. We struggle Lord – why do we fail so frequently?
I do not have the answers to all these questions. But I know that I love You. I want to be Your child. In Your presence is where I want to be always.
You have commended that we strike for perfection; it is the life you have called me to. You say Your grace is sufficient – and I hang unto that word. Oh, I hang unto it with all I have! These temptations are beckoning, but with that grace I continue to strive.
Lord I’m willing to try, to be better. Your word is there, to serve as a lamp to my feet and a light to my path. Your promise is Your mercy that never fails.
I love you Lord and I thank You for your unconditional love. I continue to walk in that love.
With all my heart,
Your repentant child